Vivian _ L 她: EMOTION

姥姥:)

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 18:49:55 GMT

今天看书到很晚很晚,躺下却睡不着,因为满脑子都是姥姥的样子,翻来覆去地,于是就起来打开电脑.

周末去好利来买了软软的蛋糕,然后拿着去看姥姥.因为出差的原因很久都没有去看她.看到了又开心又难过.虽然每个人都对她很好, 阿姨很细心,妈妈和大姨天天都要去陪伴她,但感觉她还是越来越不如从前.毕竟94岁已经是很长寿的年龄了.姥姥会说一些不知道是什么的话,没有逻辑地,但我要配合她;她胆子很小听到稍大的声音会变得疑神疑鬼或者特别害怕,于是我们要小声再小声一次次地跟她讲那只是切菜的声音;经常她不高兴了要像哄小孩一样哄她开心;吃饭的时候姥姥不再会主动夹菜,要把阿姨做的软软的菜放到她的勺子里,然后我吃一口告诉她真好吃,鼓励她吃掉, 一口又一口,如果勺子里的菜太多,她会皱眉头噘嘴很不高兴地摇头,这时就要把她勺子里多出的菜夹出去一点, 再哄她吃掉.所以这样一顿特别简单的晚饭也会吃到40分钟到1小时.吃好了饭,她不会自己站起来,我要给她解下围裙,告诉她,姥姥吃好了咱们去沙发坐着吧,姥姥会看我半天再说好,然后扶她起来主拐棍走过去,也许这时候她并不知道我是谁.

突然想起了好多小时候的事情, 眼泪就啪嗒啪嗒掉下来,因为反差.想想这就是以前会严厉地教导我的姥姥,会在我不想睡觉时给我念故事听的姥姥,会在我初中时每天中午下学后给我炖鸡汤的姥姥,会吹箫给我听会高兴地来回来去唱一首歌的姥姥,会总是企盼我来看她我来了她就特别高兴给我拿这吃拿那吃的姥姥,是会带着黑框框眼睛缝枕头的姥姥,是会陪姥爷给花浇水帮忙收拾姥爷摘下丝瓜的姥姥,是爱说话爱评论偶尔会被姥爷训斥话多的姥姥, 是总是受人尊敬从来不愿意给别人添麻烦的杨老师,是会收到学生们寄来贺卡的杨老师,是会听到附近学校上课铃声就激动地走到小院里惆怅的退休杨老师...想起这些来真难受.姥爷过世后姥姥其实是每况愈下.

我觉得人和人之间的感情是不会随着时间的推移而减弱的,它进展到多深就会停止在多深.只是我们把它们珍藏了起来,事情多了就不会再经常去开启那扇门,可一旦再回忆起来还是那样地真实甚至每一个细节.不知道姥姥在她的小小世界中每天都思考着些什么~~还记不记得那些往事:) ~~我要多陪陪姥姥:)

Can't help missing

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 11:20:49 GMT

中午躺了会,恍惚中又梦见了姥爷, 还是那身最常见的打扮,坐在他曾经最爱坐的位子上. 我梦见姥姥家买了一个很大很大的电视,姥爷看得很开心,笑眯眯的表情是那样的真实....可是猛得,我意识到了,我亲爱的姥爷已经离我远去了, 我突然意识到这只是我的梦境.于是我害怕,恐慌,难过,祈祷不要醒来... 我于是开始抓紧时间拼命地注视他,希望不要遗漏每一个细节: 他黑色的鞋子,灰色的袜子, 深色的裤子,格子的衬衫,爬满了皱纹的脸, 圆圆的眼睛,花白的头发... 我知道一旦我醒来,一切就都不复存在了... 我赶忙抓紧时间和姥爷说话,我好想好想好想再听到他的声音...

"姥爷~~ 电视好看吗?"

"好看好看~"

"那您喜欢不喜欢?"

"恩,喜欢喜欢"

是熟悉的姥爷沙哑的声音,和他笑眯眯的表情. 我忘着他,眼睛不敢眨一下,可是,那慈祥而红润的面容还是渐渐渐渐地模糊起来, 我觉得胸口好难受,就哭醒了... 其实最容易让人崩溃的就是从美好的虚幻滑落到残酷的真实的一瞬间....

a sudden sadness

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 17:21:42 GMT

I dreamed about an alumna 1 year older than me, who is also working in PWC, last night. I dreamed that I came across her one day and she looked quite old and tired. I knew there are lots of pressure in PWC and I don't dislike that but contrarily I like the furor and challenge the pressure gave. What I am scared of is to be old and ugly!!!

One evening when I got out from carbarn I look up the sky. This blue sky is so beautiful: clean and bright moonlight illuminated the clouds. I felt peaceful and comfortable and In a sudden I felt everything became simple. I wandered about the alley to my home, thinking about my future: shall I hold a dream as today two years later? What kind of life style shall I have then? Am I happy?...I don't know. I hope life to be fine and beautiful.

Thanks to my parents. Everyday I got up early at 6:30 and they followed me to prepare breakfast . and when I got back, I found they had already been back cooking supper. Formerly they always came back home late at night. They did it out of me. Beijing came through heavy rain the other days and weather changed cold. Those days when I got back from cold outside and enjoyed the warm atmosphere of my family I found funtunate. I even thought the happiest thing in the world is living in a warm home especially when outside is cold and waiting for parents cooking dinner... So beatific!! Life is simply and blessedness is simply..

I hope all the people I love will stay still with me for ever, but separations always come meet by chance. I dislke, so I'm afraid to love as I 'm scared of a propable separation one day. Some times I cheated myself two persons can meet each other easily as long as they are both alive for the world is so small, but is that true? Even when my grandpa died I cheated myself I could still see him oneday and I only have to wait for at most 70 years. It's only a kind of selfsuggestion to ease oneself... Fate urges two person to acquaint with each other but at the same time separation is also destined ..

Get married?

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 10:55:34 GMT

I heard that a classmate in college will get married next labor day. A girl get married at 23?? I found unimaginable and just could not make sure whether we came from the same age. I think I am just a girl unmature though some people comment I look mature. Looking mature is unequal to mature. I know I'm only a child. There are too much things I have to learn more exactly, about myself, about the societ, & even about this complicated whole world. Not until I'v already believed that I can take on any obligations and can take care of myself and my family very well I won't wear the beautiful wedding ring. Then, when is proper?

Uh, One thing have to be added, Why it becomes such difficult for the two lovers to trust each other? C told me he's affraid to invite me to his college for his girl friend. For he told his girlfriend our former a little sensitive relationship and could't make sure whether she would mind if an actual person suddently come out. I definitely can apprehend his consideration. But we are just good friend now, nothing more!. Where is the trusting base? She should believe his full heart to her. And this time, what a damn thing am I involved in??!! Shit! Within an inch of I became a third-party. Though I'v done nothing. Why a man can shift his attention to other girls even though he's already gotten a girlfriend? Without bona fides how to build up trust? So thinking about getting married become harder to me. Without trusting base, marriage is meaningless but only of painful. But to build up trust needs a very very long time.....

pure night

Wed, 04 May 2005 15:52:44 GMT

Summer is coming. Today when I opened the window and enjoyed a soft breeze kissing my face, I found myself getting drunk with such silent and gentle night.

Looking far into the distance from window, I discovered a wonderful picture: lush and green nursery of young plants; Neon lamp shining far away; The train whizzing past like an exquiste toy... There was nearly completely silence outside with somebody's singing occasionally. Then I opened my mouth to breath in the wholesome air greedily.

I like such peaceful feeling, which made me forget the bustle of noise world and all the bothers. This was definitely a very suitable circumstance to immerge one in memory. I recalled myself to my childhood, the period when all things seemed to be pure and innocent. But now I'm getting older, from a naive girl to an adult. The pure is gone and the growing changed me a lot. I hardened my soft heart gradually maybe with an original intention of protecting myself. And once it seemed that I had became a person cold and detached. But it was just that sheep takes wolf form. People always disguised themselves or tried to be indifferent and even evil after being hurt. So did I, I guess.

I got lots from my college though, meanwhile I lost something, that is nice quality. I believed the world is cruel and there is no goodness. And I found the most difficult thing for me was to trust others. But thanks to all my friends in college cause they saved me, though not on purpose. I got a little back to my former self though it could not be totally. Now I remember how to laugh and how to unburden some sincere words to others. Now I believe in love and goodness again. I've been influenced by friends and I will influence others cause goodness can pass on one by one.

Now I think just being successful is not happy enough, but when some people will be as happy as u sincerely after your success it then can become totally happy. People can not live in the world alone.

And I want to say it is true that there are some evil ingredients and one should always face to and accept truth. But being a little idealistic is quite good for yourself cause things are just the same and whether they are good or not in your eyes depends on your own judge. So looking the world with a sincere and kind heart, u will discover more happy and love.

Nana

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 15:38:49 GMT

Since grandpa was dead, the condition of grandma is worse and worse. Especially her brain. Maybe what mom said is correct: grandpa was the spiritiual prop of her. Everyday in the earlier times, she took care of him, putting her heart and soul on him. But oneday suddenly, everybody thought grandpa was just going to the hospital for routine inspection, but he never came back again. Then I remembered those days grandma was staying at home missing her old couple and counting the days. When we told her the truth cautiously and waited for her respond nervously, to everyone's surprise, she seemed quite calm. She said she had already expected that day. Behaving like this is very difficult for an old woman above 90, but grandma did. When during that period I tried my best to put a curb on my passion but still couldn't stop tears dropping on my face, grandma appeared to be very iron and I had not seen any tears in her eyes. I could not understand her feeling. Hading already been together with grandpa for 70 years, how could she bear such sudden part forever? Though she was seemingly very calm. In the inner part, in my opinion, she lost her prop. She was getting more and more confused from then on.

This afternoon when I went to hospital to send her supper, what I saw made me sorrowful. Her brain was totally messed up. She forgot about me and said a lot of odd words that nobody would understand. When I told her I am the youngest granddaughter of her. She looked at me amiable and exhorted me to study hard. Though she could not make clear how old I am and whether I have attended to college, she told me if I want to practise calligraphy, I could go to her place cause grandpa's writing brush and copybooks were still stored there. I looked into her eyes. She was smiling. Then I wondered when she said that what kind of feeling was she holding?

About a mouth ago, I had a very black-letter dream which was about grandma. I hated it very much cause before the death of grandpa, I had definitely the same kind of dream. Now what I can do is just blessing and blessing: Keep healthy and happy! Grandma!